


Endurance

by shiny_starlight



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Devestated Alec, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, M/M, Spoilers, Spoilers for Awake Arise or Be Forever Fallen, Spoilers up to 2x18, description of a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 15:14:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11694330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiny_starlight/pseuds/shiny_starlight
Summary: Alec breaks.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So, first fic in far, far too long. And in a new fandom as well. That's not nerve wracking at all...
> 
> I was camping at the beginning of the week, so I only got the chance to watch 2x18 yesterday, and it hit me right where it hurts. Alec's face when Magnus walked away nearly killed me, and I had a sudden burst of inspiration and wrote the majority of this last night to be completed and edited today. 
> 
> Unbeta'd as all my betas have moved on to pastures new. I have read through it many times, but if you spot any glaring mistakes, please let me know. 
> 
> I'd say enjoy, but....

Alec managed to make it to his room before he completely broke down. Even in his devastated state, he knew that he had to keep it together until he got somewhere private. As the Head of the Institute, as leader of his people…

His pace quickened. 

Alec made it to his room and locked the door, mostly to keep his nosy sister out, at least for a while. The tears he's been holding back on his measured dash through the Institute started to make their way down his cheeks, and a sob broke from his throat as he settled on his bed, back against his headboard and face buried in his knees. 

It physically hurt. He didn't think it was possible to feel this much pain from his emotions, but his chest felt so heavy that he struggled to draw breath. He gripped his hair, pulling the strands to try and ground himself, but it was just so overwhelming. 

Magnus was gone. He'd left him, just like Alec had always known, deep down, that he would. He was the love of Alec’s life, but it hadn't been enough; Alec hadn't been enough. Magnus had chosen his duty and his people over his lover and the worst part is that Alec couldn't blame him. He could rail against him, deny and argue and try to persuade him to change his mind, but Alec was painfully aware that he was coming from a place of privilege. 

He was a Shadowhunter, one of the ruling class that had power and control over half a dozen other races. It was all through the power of their Nephilim blood, but Alec knew his people were far from angelic. They were rigid and cruel, even towards their own people, forcing them to live in a black and white world of ‘us and them’. And as badly as the Clave treated their own, especially ones that didn't conform to the rigid standards set down in ages past, he knew it was nothing compared to how they treated the rest of the Shadow World.

It had been difficult for Alec to grow up in this world; a gay kid in a world where everyone married young, had children young and very often died young, but he knew it had been much worse for Magnus. The world Magnus grew up in was oceans apart from the world Alec knew and feared. He came from a world and a time where the very fact of his lineage made him open season for hunting by Alec's bloodthirsty ancestors, where his beautiful cat’s eyes would have held a place of honour on someone’s trophy shelf for all the world to see. He lived in a world where the ones who had power and control over you sneered in your face, demanded your services, but then destroyed the very cup you drank from as it had been ‘tainted' by the touch if your lips. Even amongst the different races within the Downworld, where were unspoken rules and a hierarchy that Alec was barely scratching the surface of, but had been painful points of Magnus’ existence for centuries. 

So no, Alec didn't really blame Magnus for his decision. 

That didn't make it hurt any less though. 

His breath came in gasping sobs and his head was starting to spin from lack of oxygen. It had been a long time long since Alec had suffered through a panic attack, but he remembered the drill. He forced himself to inhale a shaky breath for ten seconds and hold it for five, before he exhaled again. He repeated this until he felt calmer, breath coming a little easier despite the pain. He knew he should get up, get back out there and check on Max, check on his Institute. Jonathan… Sebastian... whatever the fuck he was calling himself now, was out there and Alec had to hunt him down and gut the son of a bitch for trying to kill his baby brother. And he had an Institute to run. He knew all this, but it still took all of his strength to lift his head from where he'd buried his face in his knees. He stretched out his legs to ease the cramps from where he'd been curled up for far longer than he'd realised and slid off the bed, making his way to the attached bathroom. 

He washed his face with cold water, and the near freezing temperature shocked him out of the very worst of his fugue. He blinked at his reflection in the mirror over his sink, taking in his bloodshot eyes and flushed cheeks. Alec tried to school his expression into something at least resembling his usual ‘resting bitch face’ (thank you, Isabelle) but it was impossible. His heartbreak was written on his face for all to see, and as much as Alec hated his weakness, he had no choice but to get back out there and do his fucking job.

It took him far too long to force himself to do so.


	2. Chapter 2

Alec had only gotten through three of the pile of reports marked ‘Urgent’ neatly piled his desk when a gentle knock sounded on the closed door. His mother opened the door and popped her head around, opening the door fully when she saw him seated there.

“There you are,” she smiled, coming into the office and letting the door swing shut behind her. “I was wondering where you’d run off to. Max was asking for you.”

Guilt flashed through Alec. He should have gone back in to see his brother when Magnus had left, but he’d let himself wallow in his own pathetic feelings. He should have been there for Max and not have him having to ask for him. 

“Sorry Mom, I got caught up. How is he?” Alec stood and came around his desk heading for the door. “I should go see him.” His mother’s hand on his arm stopped him.

“Alec, what’s wrong?” she asked gently. 

“Nothing,” Alec lied, flashing her a weak smile. “I need to go see Max.”

“Max is doing fine,” Maryse insisted. “He’s got your father, your siblings and Clary dancing attendance at the moment. He’s revelling in the attention. My baby is fine. It’s my oldest I’m concerned about.” She looked into his eyes, taking in his tired features and bloodshot eyes. “Alec, what happened?”

It was her gentle tone that did Alec in. He had buried his feelings, suppressing them so he could function without crumbling, and tried to bury himself in his work. It had worked, or at least had started to work before his mother arrived. He was planning on keeping himself busy; the upcoming war would leave no time for wallowing in heartbreak.But the gentle, caring tone of his mother, something he’d thought he’d never hear again directed his way, cut through all that like the sharpest of seraph blades. His eyes filled with tears and he crumpled in on himself, sinking into the chair in front of his desk. He could see the surprise in his mother's eyes as a sob broke through, but she didn’t hesitate. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and ran her hands through his hair as he pressed his face into her side to muffle the sobs.

“Alec, darling. What happened with Magnus?” she asked when he got control of himself enough to sit up and wipe his eyes. Alec’s breath hitched with hearing his name, but he managed to move past it. 

“The Clave doesn’t have the Soul Sword,” he said bluntly, and his mother froze beside him. “It was never recovered after the massacre at the Institute, though the Clave spread the word that it was safe to avoid mass panic in the Downworld. I didn’t know this until yesterday. Dad told me he was using the knowledge to blackmail the Inquisitor into letting me stay on as Head of this Institute. I didn’t tell Magnus. I couldn’t. But he found out on his own. And the fact that I knew but hadn’t told him…”

“Oh sweetheart,” Maryse sighed and ran a comforting hand across his shoulder. 

“I didn’t know what to do. I had _just_ found out; I thought I’d have more time to tell him. But… The Seelie Queen knows. Only the Angel knows how she came across that information, but she knows. The whole Downworld will know before long. There is going to be an uprising, a war and Magnus…” Alec’s breath hitched again, but he carried on. “Magnus has a duty to his people. He loves me, I know he does. He loves me just as much as I love him, but…”

“But he has to think of his people,” his mother finished for him. Alec nodded, lips pressed together tightly.

“Yes. He said that the only thing holding him back from making the kind of decisions he has to make, is me. Most of the Downworld think he’s crazy for even sleeping with me, never mind actually having a relationship with me. His reputation took a hit for loving me, a bad hit. But now it’s come to this, his people need him. He has his duty which I understand, but… How do I do this, Mom? How can I carry on knowing that the love of my life could end up on the wrong side of a Seraph blade from me? I can’t do it. I just can’t...”

His mother was quiet for a long moment, thoughtful even as she hugged him close. 

“I know how difficult it is when the person you love shatters your trust,” she said slowly. “You know I have not always agreed with your choice of partner, and I am so sorry for the things I have said to the both of you in the past, but I have seen first hand how happy he has made you. I’ve seen how he looks at you, and the love you two share… that kind of happiness is all I could have ever asked for my children. I know it’s hard now, and I’m not saying it will get easier any time soon. All I can say is that you endure. You take the pain, use it to fuel you, and you endure.” A few tears slipped down her own cheeks and she wiped them away hastily. “The pain does fade over time and it gets easier. But Alec, I truly believe this is not the end for you both.” She knelt to look him in the eye. “The kind of love you two share, it’s special. You endure until you have to, and then, you _fight_. You fight for that love and you do not let go. Do you hear me?”

Alec nodded, his spine straightening in resolve. His mother knew a bit about heartbreak, thanks for his father, thanks to the decisions she had made in her youth that still affected her and her children to this day. She _understood_ , and if she was telling him fight, then by the Angel he would fight for Magnus until his very last breath. He stood, pulling her with him and hugging her close.

“Thank you,” he whispered and she nodded, wiping the remaining tears from her eyes. 

“I love you, Alec. I just want you to be happy.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

They both stepped back, straightening their clothes and their resolve and Alec took a deep breath.

“Izzy is not going to take the news of Sebastian well,” he said. “She’s with Max now so it’s hasn’t really hit her yet. But soon, she’s going to realise that the trusted the wrong man, and it is going to hurt her. I need her to know that it is not her fault. I need to be there for her.”

Maryse nodded, smiling proudly. “Shall we go see how Max is getting on? Maybe you can have a word with her then.”

Alec smiled tightly and held out his arm for his mother. She blinked in surprise, but took it gladly, squeezing his arm in support. 

Alec knew the next few months weren’t going to be easy. The Downworld revolt that they’d tried to prevent was inevitable and coming soon. Allies may become enemies, and his people were looking to him for leadership. The people he thought he’d have by his side were gone, and he would live in constant fear of seeing the light of the Soul Sword shining again until they could destroy it. It would not be easy. 

But Alec was a Lightwood. He would endure.


End file.
